Why I “left” the Business

I’m not really sure what prompted me to write this. Maybe it’s because on the way to work, I was belting out the lyrics to Hamilton, and felt pretty good about my vocals. Or, maybe, it’s because I spent the weekend with an old friend who I did a ton of shows with back in high school. We talked about past experiences, how acting took over our lives, different…the good, along with all the toxic.

To be honest, I have absolutely zero regrets about leaving the industry. I had a manager for about six months, and it was such a stressful experience. He told me I looked too plain, and I didn’t have the freedom to book any trips or make any plans. That’s when it really hit me, what a planner I really was. I always knew it was an important part of me, but I do like having an end goal, I like knowing my salary, and I like making my own choices. Having a manager, in the acting world, I never really could have life the way I wanted it. I would always be a product, and that’s just how it was. I also paid a ton of money to meet tons of casting directors – I got really close to possibly landing a pretty big series and, when I didn’t get it in the end, I felt, well, kinda fine. Almost relieved! I didn’t really want it enough.

In high school, musical theater was my thing. More than my thing – pretty much my whole world. I was incredibly thin and incredibly fit. I skipped a ton of high school events, and probably missed out on some pretty great friends, because I spent every night at rehearsal from 6:00-9:00 p.m. and every Saturday/Sunday I was at rehearsal for, well, literally the entire day. In high school, I had my first experience with getting “close” to starring in a television series. Except, that one, I’m even more grateful it didn’t happen – because it was a reality show for MTV in which I, at 16, told the whole world the boy I liked, my broadway dreams, and just how badly I wanted to break out from my “good girl” vibe to get a role I wanted. (LOL didn’t happen, I don’t break rules.) It was a ridiculous, and I’m pretty grateful it’s not “out there” for the world to see.

Don’t get me wrong – I actually have some great memories too. I loved performing, and it always helped me get a lot of my thoughts out. I think my anxiety peaked when I didn’t have an outlet anymore, which was something I just needed to find again somewhere else. That’s, honestly, probably what I miss most about it – the feeling of letting go of the “bad.” In particular, I miss musical theater the most, which most of my friends actually hated. The entire first two years of college was a grieving experience for me that the whole thing had, actually, ended. Some people moved on faster…others, I’m not really sure did. I mean, they don’t miss it, but it definitely had a more negative impact. We were used to getting yelled at, we were used to being manipulated, we were used to being told what to think. In the end, we all went through the same experience, which brought some of us a whole lot closer. But, I think it says even more that not a single one of us keeps in touch with the director. It ultimately ended because he dated some of the students and, well, we know how that goes…he’s now married and has a child.

In addition to all the drama surrounding my musical theater world, I was one of the chosen actors who needed to participate in “work out club” in order to prepare for this MTV pilot. These are some of my worst memories, and probably what stops me from working out. I was required to work out at least once a day, sometimes twice, AND I needed to attend dance rehearsal (Which were always very dance-moms-esque, by the way.) One time, I tried to rebel and not go to a third work out, and I was told that no one would start until I got there and actively participated. I mean, as an adult, I can really reflect on that and think: What was I thinking?? Now, I would say “Uh, too bad. I’m not coming.” But, I was put in an environment where I felt this was my only solid group of friends and that this was my only outlet to do what I wanted to do. I was told it would ultimately make me a star, so I did what I thought needed to be done. I wonder how many actors have been told that before…

Ironically, it really was a cultish environment – a bad stain on a lot of great memories. I went and performed in Disney World, and Radio City Music Hall, with my best friends. I starred in an MTV television pilot. I made some of my closest friends. I had a lot of laughs, had a lot of fun rehearsals, and did some cool shows I never would have had the chance to do. I had a really significant time period for growth at that studio. It was an important time, a significant time.

I still love the craft, I still love to sing. But, given the obstacles, it made it really hard to even want to stay. I didn’t love it to the point where I was willing to give up my whole world for it. I had a great boyfriend, great family, great friends – I knew, eventually, I would find a great job. So one day, I just stopped….It’s not a sad story or anything. It’s just what happened.

 

I teach an acting class with kids, and I love doing it. Anyone else have a similar experience?